The 3 possible ways thousands of New York deer got COVID

Scientists are scratching their heads. Thousands of white-tailed deer around the country, including in New York State, have COVID, and they don’t know how. Fortunately, I think so.

Getty Stock/ThinkStock/Canva

Getty Stock/ThinkStock/Canva

Wait what?

Look, the science can’t go any further, so you need a little creativity. Up to 40% of deer studied in the United States were found to have COVID antibodies, indicating that at some point they had the actual virus. But how? The best theories the eggheads have offered so far are that a hiker got their infected sneeze carried by the wind, or maybe some deer ingested some sewage or trash. Lame. Allow me to present my own theories.

Hypothesis n°1: An interspecific party

As one project researcher noted, there is “no masking, no social distancing” in nature. There are also no rapid testing facilities in the forest (unless you count parts of Ulster County), which means this virus could have easily spread from a few infected animals to thousands very quickly. The easiest way to spread germs? Sucking face. Listen, people tried to get way more intimate with animals before, so who’s to say a creepy person outside with sniffles didn’t set the mood with fermented berries and a salt block at sunset? Play a few tunes on a Bluetooth speaker, and BAM, everyone in the forest has COVID.

Getty Stock/ThinkStock/Canva

Getty Stock/ThinkStock/Canva

Hypothesis n°2: a super-spreading event

The more bodies crammed into a confined area, the higher the possibility of virus transmission. The same science should apply to woodland creatures. Picture this: A deer grabs Bambi on Blu-Ray from an open window of a house full of people in isolation with COVID. They thought they were doing a good thing adding air circulation to their home, but now a young man is tearing ass through the forest with a Disney classic between his teeth, ready to laugh, cry and spread COVID to all his friends.

Unsplash/Canva

Unsplash/Canva

Hypothesis #3: Deer created COVID in the first place

Of course, science has “proved” that the virus originated in Wuhan, but hear me out. We’ve shot and run over deer for decades, if not centuries. Eventually, they will want a return on investment. Scene: three stags standing on their hind legs in lab coats in a secret lair accessible only through a hidden door in an oak tree (Princess Bride style), eyes gleaming as they raise a test tube towards the light. “We did it, we finally did it!” exclaims the leader before bursting into manic laughter. Then: oops! The vial escapes their hooves! Alas, they do not have the opposable thumbs necessary for gripping! The vial shatters and they lock their eyes, knowing they’ve flown too close to the sun. The leader begins to cough. It started.

Conclusion

Listen, is it more likely that intermediate animals, like a domestic animal, acted as a carrier of the virus between their infected owner and the deer? May be. Is it also intriguing? Absolutely not.

So until we know more, how about not trying to kiss a deer after you get a positive test result. This could probably be a general suggestion for any wild animal you come across. Moreover, if you do see a deer wearing an N95, now you know why.

Also, I’m kidding. But in case you now feel the need to grab the forks and head into the woods: The above post reflects satirical thoughts and is not based on scientific findings regarding the COVID-19 deer outbreak.

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